100 Things That Emmett Cullen Should Never Do
by Martha the Anorexic Ephalent
Summary: This is a summary of 100 things that Emmett should never do. Although, if he did do any of these, it would be quite funny. Unfortunately, none of his siblings would like it very much. It's supposed to be humorous, and I hope you all enjoy it! Please R&R!


**AN - I read some of these here on fanfiction, and I came up with some of these myself. Please R&R, and I hope you like it!**

**Disclaimer - I still don't own the rights to Twilight characters/Twilight, or any of the songs mentioned :( **

**100 Things That Emmett Cullen Should Never Do**

1. Every morning before school, run around the house following Edward singing 'Like a Virgin'.

2. Raid Alice's closet.

3. Tell Alice to leave Bella alone and let him play 'Guinea Pig Barbie".

4. Run around the halls at school in a Speedo (labeled EM), granny panties, and a cape, singing "Nananananananana EMMETT MAN!"

5. 'Come out of the closet'…

6. While saying sorry to Rosalie…

7. And approach Edward using his new 'lifestyle', who will no doubt punch him in the face after reading his mind…

8. Attempt to get over the 'heartbreak'…

9. Get furious at the Cullens for not accepting who he is…

10. And paint the Volvo pink, saying sorry, but they'll just have to live with him as he is, and the car as it is…

11. Because the paint's permanent.

12. Think about how he and Rosalie….. around Jasper…

13. And Edward.

14.** Decide** to 'get free' (aka – become a nudist)…

15. Tell Rosalie that Alice says that she 'wants' to se him 'getting free'.

16. Paint his nails…

17. During gym class.

18. Tell Bella that he's had enough of her hitting on Edward, and to go find Jacob…

19. Sing 'Here Comes the Bride' replacing the word 'bride' with 'wolf' when she furiously walks away.

20. Loose a fight with a grizzly bear…

21. Again.

22. Program Rosalie's locker so that every time she opens it, 'Barbie Girl' plays…

23. Make sure it's permanent.

24. Ask Bella, "Can I have yo numba?"

25. 'Accidently' ask Edward (near Charlie) if he's been using protection for the past 2 years.

26. Tell Jacob that he's imprinted on him…

27. Cry when Jacob says that's impossible, because he's not a werewolf, he's a stupid freaking leech.

28. Hold a petition against 'stupid, shiny Volvo owners'…

29. Say that Bella was his inspiration.

30. Tell Rosalie that she should consider going brunette…

31. Because he wants her to be more like Bella

32. Suck his thumb.

33. Stalk Jasper…

34. While alternating between extremely depressed and extremely happy.

35. Tell Edward, "Day-um girrrrll, you are fiiiiiineee!"

36. Buy Rosalie a fun house mirror.

37. Reprogram all of the other Cullen's cars so that they go no higher than 10 m/h.

38. Tell Jessica that Mike is gay…

39. With Edward Cullen.

40. Reprogram Edward's phone so that every time someone calls, 'I'm Too Sexy' plays…

41. Make sure it's permanent…

42. Call 5 times every class at school.

43. Flip out at his teacher for calling on him in class, then apologize and pass it off as PMS.

44. Videotape himself singing and dancing the song 'Lala' (Ashlee Simpson) in his underwear…

45. On a table…

46. Then fall off…

47. And moan…

48. LOUDLY.

49. Give the video to Rosalie for their anniversary.

50. Change his name to Scarlette. No one can tumble like him.

51. Skip around school…

52. Singing the Mr. Rogers theme song.

53. Cross the Quileute Border…

54. Just 'cause.

55. Tell the entire school that he is going to prom with Tyler Crowley.

56. Say goodbye to the Cullens, and go on an extended vacation in the town of 'Spoons'.

57. Start a rally around the Cullen house – "SAVE THE ANIMALS!"…

58. Then report to Animal Abuse what the Cullens really do on their hunting trips.

59. Shake Alice's head back and forth, and then ask her a bunch of questions beginning with the words, "Magic 8 Ball".

60. Make 'That's what she said' jokes around Charlie.

61. Go up to Bella (near Edward) and say "I had a great time Friday night' while thinking in a Jessica-like way.

62. Steal all of Alice's shoes…

63. Then wear them to school…

64. And kick Edward in the ass and say, "That's what stilettos are for!"…

65. Then happily skip away.

66. Introduce Edward to a guy named James who thinks that Bella is hot.

67. Write poetry.

68. Cook.

69. Or try to break world records.

70. Or try to break world records involving cooking.

71. Convince Bella that it's a good idea to cut her wrists.

72. Then take her to Jasper.

73. Enter a pie-eating contest (knowing perfectly well that he can't eat pie) …

74. Win.

75. Admit Edward to a mental ward because he 'hears voices'.

76. Go to school wearing a skirt.

77. Tell Alice that pink is not her colour.

78. Tell Rosalie to get a nose job.

79. Say, "Renesmee, I am your father" in the 'Star Wars' way.

80. See how much Edward appreciates it.

81. 'Fail' his diet.

82. Dress up as Elvis Presley…

83. And sing…

84. And dance.

85. Tape pictures of Robert Pattinson to Edward's locker…

86. Ask him if he's jealous.

87. Stand up on the cafeteria table and sign 'Maneater'…

88. Or 'Hollaback Girl'.

89. Or 'Hit Me Baby One More Time' (with raise the roof motions, of course).

90. Drag Edward onto the table and sign 'Womanizer' while pointing at him…

91. Then get Jacob, too, and sign 'Hot n' Cold' while pointing at them both.

92. Tell Esme that she has no friends and to get a life.

93. Join the NFL…

94. Or the NHL…

95. Or the MLB…

96. Prank call Mike Newton, pretending to be Bella…

97. Ask for forgiveness.

98. Dance the 'French Prince of Bell-Air' version of 'Jump on It' on top of Bella's truck.

99. Dress up as a vampire for Halloween.

100. Every time Edward enters the room, hum the Dracula theme song. If someone tells him to shut up, continue humming in his head.

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**AN - I hope you liked it! Please review, and mention your favorites :)**

**PS - 45-50 refer to 'Scarlette Takes a Tumble on Youtube, and there are other Youtube videos mentioned, such as 'Can I have yo numba?"**

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